To Other Moms

I wrote the following recently, and I realize that at times I sound very bitter. But that's the thing, sometimes I am bitter. And angry. This isn't the happy me talking. This comes from a darker place in me that isn't around much, but is there, nevertheless. I'm sure most of you reading this will fall into one of these categories or possibly more than one. This isn't about me thinking your type is bad. I'm not trying to be offensive. It is about a birthmother's perspective and really how we feel about ourselves. It's about how we think the world views us, if it looks at us at all. This is how we compare ourselves, and how we try to reconcile the fact that we in fact are mothers whether or not we ever gave birth again after relinquishment.

To normal/biological mothers- You’re the ones who did everything right. You got married and then after an appropriate amount of time you had children. You agree that adoption is a wonderful choice for those who can’t conceive but you don’t ever stop and consider that somewhere out there another woman has to give birth and give away their child. Adoption doesn’t really touch you in a personal way. You didn’t think you knew anyone who’d given away their baby, although I am your neighbor, your friend, or your co-worker.

To other once teen or single mothers- You are the ones who were in the same boat as me. Maybe you were younger or maybe you were older when you found out you were pregnant, but you chose a different path. Maybe you married the father of your child and lived happily ever after. Maybe you didn’t and either have raised your child alone or have co-parented with the father over time. You never dreamed of giving away your child. You think you loved yours more than I loved mine. Maybe you struggled like I never did back then. Perhaps you took assistance from the government, family or friends, but you did what it took to keep your child and you can’t believe that I took the easy way out. Because wow, all I did was give birth and got on with my life, right? So simple.

To adoptive mothers- You are the ones who don’t want to be called ‘adoptive.’ You’re the real moms. I get that. You’re the one who stayed awake through late night feedings, and who drove car pool and saved for the college fund. I never did any of that; not for your child. Forever in your mind, I am less-educated than you, have loose morals and live in a lower socio-economic status. I am the person from which you rescued your child and gave her that proverbial better life. I am the person who couldn’t give the love she needed, or the nice home, or the stability that you did, and I should be thankful.

To the mothers who have lost children to death- You are the ones whose pain I understand, but yet I don’t dare to compare my experience to yours. You didn’t choose to lose your baby/child. My grief is different because I had a choice. You cannot imagine anyone choosing to go through the excruciating pain of losing a child. But again, it’s different. After all, I might see my child again someday and you won’t. I should be grateful.

To those who aborted their babies- You are perhaps as misunderstood as I am. You may even be hated by some, and certainly judged. They say you have no heart, but my guess is that your heart breaks just as much as mine does. Even if it was the right decision for that time in your life, it didn’t come without thought, or mourning. People think we just go on from things like this, but what we really do is hide our pain and adjust to a life which will never be the same. I didn’t make the same choice as you. I don’t know that I could have, but I’ll defend your right to make it because I’ve been there. And I understand. It’s not easy. None of this is easy.

First Post

This is very hard for me to do. It's a coming out of sorts. It's stepping out of my comfort zone and exposing myself, but all day long my heart has been telling me to start this blog and tell my story. I contemplated doing this anonymously, but decided that in the end I have nothing to be ashamed of. It is what it is, and I am who I am. 

On February 9, 1985, just five days past my own 19^th birthday, I gave birth to a baby girl. I started this blog as a way to tell my story and as a way to release some of the pain that has been inside of me for years. That day was both a beginning and an end. I have lived a full life since that day and went on to have a wonderful family, but I truly think that most of my decisions and the way I've led my life have been greatly affected by my decision to surrender a child to adoption. Doing what I did carries a stigma, you see. Most people have no reference point from which to deal with this issue.

The fact that I gave up my child is not a secret. I still live in the same small town as I did then and believe me, the gossip mill at one time was alive and well with regards to my situation. And yet, even though it's not a secret, many people do not know. How should it be handled when meeting a new friend? "Oh, by the way….." It doesn't really work that way. I'm a bit of a freak. People have no idea what to say when hearing something like this. It's just not normal to give away your child. No, it really isn't. This is why I don’t talk about it. When people ask me how many children I have, I always answer three, but in the back of my mind (and in my heart), I want to say four. But telling people tends to put them on the spot. They don't know what to say, or they are overly complimentary about it, and it can be an uncomfortable situation.

But I'm tired of being silent. I'm tired of this being kept in a secret compartment in my heart and in my mind. I really don't want this to take over my life or conversations, but I want it to be a matter-of-fact thing that is not this huge, shocking bombshell. I truly hope this blog will not only help me heal but will open readers eyes and hearts to those going through the same silent pain. It's not as easy as knowing "you did the right thing" although we're told that a lot. Knowing that really doesn't help that much because in the back of our minds, we always question if it really was the right thing. More on this in another post, I promise.

So I hope you'll follow me. You'll get my story plus my views on a variety of issues surrounding adoption. I am going to try and be honest and raw on this blog…. You may not always like what I say. It may make you uncomfortable, but I can't hold back because I need to release these feelings and thoughts that have been in my head for so long. Don't be afraid to comment or to ask questions. I promise to answer as honestly as I can, and I may or may not have a reply to your comment but when I do I will always treat you with respect. I am hoping for the same courtesy.