This is very hard for me to do. It's a coming out of sorts.
It's stepping out of my comfort zone and exposing myself, but all day long my
heart has been telling me to start this blog and tell my story. I contemplated doing this anonymously, but decided that in the end I have nothing to be ashamed of. It is what it is, and I am who I am.
On February 9, 1985, just five days past my own 19th
birthday, I gave birth to a baby girl. I started this blog as a way to tell my
story and as a way to release some of the pain that has been inside of me for
years. That day was both a beginning and an end. I have lived a full life since
that day and went on to have a wonderful family, but I truly think that most of
my decisions and the way I've led my life have been greatly affected by my
decision to surrender a child to adoption. Doing what I did carries a stigma,
you see. Most people have no reference point from which to deal with this
issue.
The fact that I gave up my child is not a secret. I still
live in the same small town as I did then and believe me, the gossip mill at
one time was alive and well with regards to my situation. And yet, even though
it's not a secret, many people do not know. How should it be handled when
meeting a new friend? "Oh, by the way….." It doesn't really work that
way. I'm a bit of a freak. People have no idea what to say when hearing
something like this. It's just not normal to give away your child. No, it really
isn't. This is why I don’t talk about it. When people ask me how many children
I have, I always answer three, but in the back of my mind (and in my heart), I
want to say four. But telling people tends to put them on the spot. They don't
know what to say, or they are overly complimentary about it, and it can be an
uncomfortable situation.
But I'm tired of being silent. I'm tired of this being kept
in a secret compartment in my heart and in my mind. I really don't want this to
take over my life or conversations, but I want it to be a matter-of-fact thing
that is not this huge, shocking bombshell. I truly hope this blog will not only
help me heal but will open readers eyes and hearts to those going through the
same silent pain. It's not as easy as knowing "you did the right
thing" although we're told that a lot. Knowing that really doesn't help
that much because in the back of our minds, we always question if it really was
the right thing. More on this in another post, I promise.
So I hope you'll follow me. You'll get my story plus my
views on a variety of issues surrounding adoption. I am going to try and be
honest and raw on this blog…. You may not always like what I say. It may make
you uncomfortable, but I can't hold back because I need to release these
feelings and thoughts that have been in my head for so long. Don't be afraid to
comment or to ask questions. I promise to answer as honestly as I can, and I
may or may not have a reply to your comment but when I do I will always treat
you with respect. I am hoping for the same courtesy.
I'm proud of you for sharing this. I'm sure it will touch many, and hopefully help you heal as well!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kim! I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI too am proud of you, Lori! I think this is a great thing, in many ways. Not only can you share this with people in your life, but you can work out your thoughts, feelings, reflect on them, grow, heal.... I commend you for starting this blog!
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm going to follow, that I'm here, and that I will never judge you.
I look forward to your sharing your story.
Happy Birthday to your daughter. She may not know that she has a mother out there who is thinking of her, but maybe in some way she feels it.
xxoo
Good on ya Lori, it takes a lot of courage and strength to share your story and you are absolutely right, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Adoption is great, but people rarely stop to think of the impact it makes on the person who had to make that choice to give their child up. As a member of a family who has had a child who was put up for adoption, it's a very difficult journey, especially for the mother, but it can be tough for the family, too. I thank you for sharing this place and I hope this helps you on your journey to heal.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tamrha and Nik! I really, really appreciate the support!
ReplyDeleteMost proud of you, Lori. I agree that there's nothing to be ashamed about. What you did took courage that many of us will never know and in the process, you gave someone a gift that no one else could have. I'm glad you've shared this with us, your friends. We all love and support you to no end. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Debi! You have no idea how much the love and support mean to me!!
ReplyDeleteHi Lori Beth: I am so glad you are writing and telling your story. We need more women who are strong enough to do it. And I know that birthdays are hard.
ReplyDeletelorraine from First Mother Forum
Thank you, Lorraine. I'm not sure how strong I am, at least not every moment, but I try to be. Thank you so much for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi there. I am Amy...first/birth/natural/bio mom to Anna, who will be 27 on March 5. Oh yes...that wonderful time of the year...her birthday. (and I say that sarcastically) I am feeling it. My story is probably a little different from birthmoms of my "era" (the early to mid-80's) since I had a "semi" open adoption until Anna was 9, then opened up completely with visits, etc. Some people will think I'm "lucky" because I didn't REALLY lose her. But I did...I definitely did. As of this moment, we are not on speaking terms as this whole situation has been fraught with confusion (on her side AND mine) misconceptions, misunderstandings, miscommunications, etc. No one told us how painful this path would be, or how confused and tormented I think both Anna and I have been throughout this whole ordeal. You can't take something so UNNATURAL and turn it into "normal." You just can't do it. Maybe in time I'll share more of my story. Right now I'm just dipping my toe back into the adoption community. I used to be very active on the parentsplace/ivillage boards back in the late 90's before they pretty much shut down. Don't know if anyone remembers them or not but for me, at that time, they were a lifesaver. I realized once and for all that the pain I was feeling and the depression I was living with was "normal" for birthmothers, and I found my first "birthmother" friends! I am here to say that open adoption does NOT in any form or fashion make giving up your child "easier." Yes, we know our children are alive and where they are, but it is "in your face" every single day, and it stares right back at you. There is no escape. Thanks for listening. And yes, in a hidden level of myself, I am BITTER, and I have that right...and so do you. Thank you for sharing your story because SOMEONE needs to hear us...I am tired of no one listening and of being discounted every time I voice an unpopular opinion of adoption. We have a right to our voice...to be heard...to be taken seriously! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting this reply. Our daughters are just a few weeks apart.
And wow. Thanks for this perspective. I'll address open adoption in this blog and although it may seem to you like I think it's better than closed, I want to emphasize that I would never belittle another birthmother's experience. Maybe it isn't better. Maybe it's just a different layer of hell.
You're right. This things we did, "giving up" our children is so fundamentally unnatural. We're told it was the right/best thing to do, and even if it was, there is absolutely zero support for us.
I do hope people hear my story. I haven't posted a new post yet because I plan on "going there" to the beginning and really tell the story, and it's going to be hard. But you've given me the push I need to do it.
Thanks again for sharing. HUGS right back at ya!
Hi Lori! IMO, "open" adoption is/can be/was to ME (since I suppose I shouldn't speak for every birthmother ;))a different form of the same hell that the traditional "closed adoption" birthmoms experienced. Looking back, I do believe the situation between Anna and I should have been left "semi-open" and then "reunion" should have been on her terms...when she was ready/really wanted to have a relationship with us. I say "us" because her birthfather and I married and had other children (full siblings obviously) within 2 years of her birth. Yes, I had the idea at 18 that I could fill the horrible, gut-wrenching void with another baby asap...followed by 5 more for a grand total of 6...or 7 depending who I'm talking to! Anna has basically nothing to do with any of my kids either and I honestly don't know exactly why. She seemingly cut herself off from all of us, but I'm almost positive to hear her side of things, it would be totally different. Anna's perspective is her reality, so of course it's valid, but she is very non-communicative...she doesn't open up to ANYONE easily, so I can only speculate on her thoughts/feelings. :( I wish it could be different and I'm not sure what to do about it. When you can't communicate with someone, how can anything be resolved?? I'm just at a loss, and I don't mean to dominate your blog with my problems! There's just so few who understand, ya' know? :) Ugh...well, anyway Happy Valentine's day! Back to "regular life" now! ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, Amy, don't ever feel like you can't say something here! There's no limit to the comments (that I know of)... so don't worry about that.
ReplyDeleteI feel so badly for you. I think this type of rejection is exactly why I haven't done any type of real searching (other than a little message board/website stuff). The fear of it not going good is almost paralyzing. Again, this will be in other blog posts so I won't go into it too much now.
With regards to you your daughter, I just wonder about her lack of communication skills and I wish I could say to her no matter what she chooses to do, you are still her family. I have some theories about why she's like this... but well.. I was a psych major for a semester so I think I'm a shrink. ha
Feel free to comment any time. New post up soon.
Hi again! Feel free to share your theories...and I have a few of my own. When she was younger, we had a pretty close relationship between ALL of us. She used to love to come stay with us, and when she was 12, she broke down on the phone crying and said it felt like she "belonged" with us. That tore out my heart, because she DID belong with us! The "powers that be" forced my boyfriend (now husband) into a decision we didn't want and fought every step of the way. But, being that her adoptive parents are very strict Catholics, she was "fed" the "God's plan" story and that the adoption was "meant to be." I think she got very confused. Then, as she became a teen-ager, the "push-pull" behavior started. "Come here, I want you close...go away now." According to her adoptive Mom, she doesn't talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING unless she's loosened up by an alcoholic drink or two, which bothers me...TONS. Certainly THAT isn't a good idea to get her to open up! Oh, my story is a long, drawn out messy situation...blah. I'm also anxious to hear your story! :)
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm not sure... I hate to say without really knowing, although it does seem like she has some issues. And not just with you. It's a real shame that she won't have contact with you and your husband, and her siblings, as well. Maybe with maturity, those things will come. Just curious, does she have any children yet?
ReplyDeleteChildren? Umm...well, a few years ago she came out as a lesbian. Took us all totally by surprise because from the earliest time I can remember, she was seemingly attracted to boys. She had several long term relationships with guys, and told me that at about 15, she realized she *might* be gay, but it has become more apparent the older she has gotten. Not to say she won't have a child at some point, but not in the "traditional" sense. None of us have a problem with her being gay at all, except that she "came out" over myspace...not giving me or my husband a chance to prepare the kids. :( They learned from MYSPACE. Whatever...her amom told me although she has nothing against gay people, she just didn't want to raise one. Well, I would have gladly "raised one" because she is my child, gay or not. So as you can see from our few exchanges, there's alot going on here! Thoughts??
ReplyDeleteWow, well, I asked because sometimes once adoptees have children of their own (women adoptees/biological children) it sometimes changes their views on their birthparents, although I've seen it go both ways. Her a-mom.... that's probably the religious in her talking. And hey she didn't raise a gay person, meaning she didn't make her gay. No one did.
ReplyDeleteWith regards to your kids finding out via MySpace, although that may not have been the best way, maybe it was just the way that was best for her. I'm sure your kids were okay. I think this generation of kids are used to people coming out and aren't shocked by it. Anyway, that's a whole other thing...
Still haven't posted again, been sick all week. Thanks for hanging around. More soon!
Oh my...hope you're feeling better! I know the "ickies" have been going through my household too. Add plain old allergies on top of that (which are worse than ever in my area for this time of year!) and it makes for a very sneezy, sniffle-y family! lol
ReplyDeleteAnyway, can't wait til you post more of your story! I've been toying with the idea of starting a blog of my own. I don't know...
The Myspace reveal caused some confusion in the younger of my 6 kids...especially my daughter who was maybe 11 at the time. It was unexpected, and it kind of rocked their perception of who they had known all these years. Was she the same person?? Who was this person we THOUGHT we knew? With 6 individual personalities (the "kept" kids) there can be six distinct, yet valid, reactions to the same situation. It all got worked out, although I think a few of them had a harder time trusting her from that point on...idk. All in all, she was accepted, and we all moved on!
Her amom had the ideal image of what she wanted in a daughter. Matter of fact, a "female" was ordered by them through the adoption agency! Anna's name is even a derivative of her amom's name. Amom informed me that the adoption agency encouraged that type of thing in order for the aparents to "claim" their child. UGH. Hated the adoption agency!! Sometimes I got the idea her amom was more enthralled with Anna's boyfriends than Anna even was! She wanted the big, white wedding with a successful prince charming...everything you picture with a little girl. She definitely lived vicariously through Anna. It was kind of disturbing at times, but being the good little birthmother that I was, I kept my mouth tightly shut. Status quo...
ANYWAY, hope you're feeling better soon and will return to blog about YOUR experience! Take care :)