When I
decided to start writing in this blog again, I couldn’t decide what to write
about. There were so many things to choose from. Do I write more about my
experience 30+ years ago? About my search? About the adoption industry or any
number of issues related to it? At some point I’ll touch on all of this and
more. But yesterday a discussion on a Facebook Group made me really think so I
decided to discuss labels.
How do we
define what we are in terms of adoption? I am what society commonly refers to
as a birth mom or birth mother. It never really occurred to me until recently
that many in my shoes feel slighted or offended by this terminology. They say
that it is like calling women like me breeders. Another view is that the term
was coined the adoption industry (which we’ll discuss many times in the future,
I’m sure) and is meant to put down or control the mother of the infant to be
adopted. Other terms are natural mother or biological mother. Some do not like
the latter because it’s too cold or clinical.
What do I
prefer to be called? Honestly, I prefer first mother or first mom because that
what I am. I am my older daughter’s first mother. I was her mother first, but
am I her mother still? Yes, I am. But am I also her birth mother? Well, I did
give birth to her, so yes, I am. In that regard, I am birth mother all of my
children, including the three that I raised. I will never belittle another natural
mother’s feelings or their reasons for not wanting a certain label. There are
very valid claims about an adoption industry that benefited from marginalizing
the natural parents. However, in my experience most people who say birth mother
or birth mom do not do so out of malice. I have never felt put down when
someone called me this. I am not going to yell (ALL CAPS) at someone on
Facebook or another blog because he or she uses the term. However, I think the more we use the terms
first or natural mother/father/parents, then more people will understand what
we mean. We don’t have to scream to be heard. We simply have to speak.
