Couple Seeks to Adopt!

Have you seen ads by couples wanting to adopt? Facebook pages. Ads in newspapers. All reaching out to "young" pregnant, generally unmarried, mothers. 

I really struggle with these types of posts. I have looked at the FB page for this couple, as well as the website. I read their note to "birth moms." This young couple seem to be wonderful people. I think they will be great parents.

Yet, as I've meandered through the world of adoption search and reunion over the last year, I've come to ralize that these types of ads and posts are a form of coercion. I do not think this couple intends it as such, but it's true nonetheless.

What would I say to this couple? Well, too much for a post on FB. I would never want to be hurtful toward them. But my first suggestion would be to try and find true orphans, perhaps babies or toddlers (or even older kids) who have been taken away from their families due to terrible or neglectful circumstances. There are kids who want parents so badly and they age out of the system and never get them.

I would also ask for them not to use the term birth mom. This is an honest mistake, but it's a false label. Pregnant girls or women are not birth moms. They are moms-to-be or expectant mothers. We are mothers when we give birth. We do not become first moms until the papers are signed, and I would suggest that a woman never make this decision before her child is born. Ever. Prospective adoptive parents should not be at the hosptial, at least not in delivery room or nearby. And lawyers should be far, far away.

When I gave birth in 1985, I really had no choice. I had wonderful parents, but they were very old-fashioned and religious. Everyone kept telling me that what I was doing was right, and was brave, and was best for both me and my child. Of course! I was 19....how could I possibly be a good mother? I had already disappointed my parents by getting pregnant, how could I keep doing that? So I was a good girl, stayed quiet and did what everyone told me to do, but deep inside it killed me. I truly hope my daughter has had a good life, but she was my daughter and nothing has ever changed that. She has parents and of course I understand that, but no one can understand what it does to a woman to place her child. Unless you've been through it, you cannot fathom it. We were all told to go on with our lives, but how? Our babies didn't die... we gave them away. And why? Because we were young? Unmarried? Perhaps poor? Society needs to be focused on keeping mothers and their babies together. None of the reasons I mentioned are reasons alone to separate mothers and their babies. Neglect and abuse are different circumstances, not what I'm talking about.

Coercion comes in many forms and often by people will good intentions. By showering the pregnant women/girl with attention and kindness, they are setting up an almost impossible situation. Even though they say they would understand, the pressure to do the right thing and give up the baby is so strong.

Have you ever known anyone who knew it was wrong to get married, but it was their wedding day (or close to it) so they went along with it because too much trouble or would be too upsetting to call it off? This is very much what happens when mothers give birth and were supposed to give their child away. It's very hard to change your mind because you would upset so many people.

I truly hope this couple become parents someday. And if there is a mother out there who comes to the conclusion 100% on her own that this is best for her and her baby, then I would support that all the way. Trouble is, that rarely happens. How do I know this? Because I read the posts day after day of women like me from closed adoptions who are desperate for any type of information or contact. Or the younger mothers who were told the adoption would be open only to have doors slammed in their faces a year or two after everything was legalized.

I have wonderful friends who are adopted and I know most of them would never change that. (Yet, some would.) I have friends who adopted and are fantastic, loving parents.... I am often so conflicted because I can't help but think of their natural parents. I prefer the term natural or biological, not real. I think adoptive children have two sets of real parents. I always say, I gave my daughter life and her adoptive parents gave her a life.

Is this issue complex? You bet it is. Adoption can be beautiful thing, but we need to see all sides, not just the hearts and flowers of the adoptive couple's journey, to truly understand it.

Labels: Birth mother? First mother? Natural Mother? Just mother?

When I decided to start writing in this blog again, I couldn’t decide what to write about. There were so many things to choose from. Do I write more about my experience 30+ years ago? About my search? About the adoption industry or any number of issues related to it? At some point I’ll touch on all of this and more. But yesterday a discussion on a Facebook Group made me really think so I decided to discuss labels.

How do we define what we are in terms of adoption? I am what society commonly refers to as a birth mom or birth mother. It never really occurred to me until recently that many in my shoes feel slighted or offended by this terminology. They say that it is like calling women like me breeders. Another view is that the term was coined the adoption industry (which we’ll discuss many times in the future, I’m sure) and is meant to put down or control the mother of the infant to be adopted. Other terms are natural mother or biological mother. Some do not like the latter because it’s too cold or clinical.

What do I prefer to be called? Honestly, I prefer first mother or first mom because that what I am. I am my older daughter’s first mother. I was her mother first, but am I her mother still? Yes, I am. But am I also her birth mother? Well, I did give birth to her, so yes, I am. In that regard, I am birth mother all of my children, including the three that I raised. I will never belittle another natural mother’s feelings or their reasons for not wanting a certain label. There are very valid claims about an adoption industry that benefited from marginalizing the natural parents. However, in my experience most people who say birth mother or birth mom do not do so out of malice. I have never felt put down when someone called me this. I am not going to yell (ALL CAPS) at someone on Facebook or another blog because he or she uses the term.  However, I think the more we use the terms first or natural mother/father/parents, then more people will understand what we mean. We don’t have to scream to be heard. We simply have to speak.