Labels: Birth mother? First mother? Natural Mother? Just mother?

When I decided to start writing in this blog again, I couldn’t decide what to write about. There were so many things to choose from. Do I write more about my experience 30+ years ago? About my search? About the adoption industry or any number of issues related to it? At some point I’ll touch on all of this and more. But yesterday a discussion on a Facebook Group made me really think so I decided to discuss labels.

How do we define what we are in terms of adoption? I am what society commonly refers to as a birth mom or birth mother. It never really occurred to me until recently that many in my shoes feel slighted or offended by this terminology. They say that it is like calling women like me breeders. Another view is that the term was coined the adoption industry (which we’ll discuss many times in the future, I’m sure) and is meant to put down or control the mother of the infant to be adopted. Other terms are natural mother or biological mother. Some do not like the latter because it’s too cold or clinical.

What do I prefer to be called? Honestly, I prefer first mother or first mom because that what I am. I am my older daughter’s first mother. I was her mother first, but am I her mother still? Yes, I am. But am I also her birth mother? Well, I did give birth to her, so yes, I am. In that regard, I am birth mother all of my children, including the three that I raised. I will never belittle another natural mother’s feelings or their reasons for not wanting a certain label. There are very valid claims about an adoption industry that benefited from marginalizing the natural parents. However, in my experience most people who say birth mother or birth mom do not do so out of malice. I have never felt put down when someone called me this. I am not going to yell (ALL CAPS) at someone on Facebook or another blog because he or she uses the term.  However, I think the more we use the terms first or natural mother/father/parents, then more people will understand what we mean. We don’t have to scream to be heard. We simply have to speak.