Couple Seeks to Adopt!

Have you seen ads by couples wanting to adopt? Facebook pages. Ads in newspapers. All reaching out to "young" pregnant, generally unmarried, mothers. 

I really struggle with these types of posts. I have looked at the FB page for this couple, as well as the website. I read their note to "birth moms." This young couple seem to be wonderful people. I think they will be great parents.

Yet, as I've meandered through the world of adoption search and reunion over the last year, I've come to ralize that these types of ads and posts are a form of coercion. I do not think this couple intends it as such, but it's true nonetheless.

What would I say to this couple? Well, too much for a post on FB. I would never want to be hurtful toward them. But my first suggestion would be to try and find true orphans, perhaps babies or toddlers (or even older kids) who have been taken away from their families due to terrible or neglectful circumstances. There are kids who want parents so badly and they age out of the system and never get them.

I would also ask for them not to use the term birth mom. This is an honest mistake, but it's a false label. Pregnant girls or women are not birth moms. They are moms-to-be or expectant mothers. We are mothers when we give birth. We do not become first moms until the papers are signed, and I would suggest that a woman never make this decision before her child is born. Ever. Prospective adoptive parents should not be at the hosptial, at least not in delivery room or nearby. And lawyers should be far, far away.

When I gave birth in 1985, I really had no choice. I had wonderful parents, but they were very old-fashioned and religious. Everyone kept telling me that what I was doing was right, and was brave, and was best for both me and my child. Of course! I was 19....how could I possibly be a good mother? I had already disappointed my parents by getting pregnant, how could I keep doing that? So I was a good girl, stayed quiet and did what everyone told me to do, but deep inside it killed me. I truly hope my daughter has had a good life, but she was my daughter and nothing has ever changed that. She has parents and of course I understand that, but no one can understand what it does to a woman to place her child. Unless you've been through it, you cannot fathom it. We were all told to go on with our lives, but how? Our babies didn't die... we gave them away. And why? Because we were young? Unmarried? Perhaps poor? Society needs to be focused on keeping mothers and their babies together. None of the reasons I mentioned are reasons alone to separate mothers and their babies. Neglect and abuse are different circumstances, not what I'm talking about.

Coercion comes in many forms and often by people will good intentions. By showering the pregnant women/girl with attention and kindness, they are setting up an almost impossible situation. Even though they say they would understand, the pressure to do the right thing and give up the baby is so strong.

Have you ever known anyone who knew it was wrong to get married, but it was their wedding day (or close to it) so they went along with it because too much trouble or would be too upsetting to call it off? This is very much what happens when mothers give birth and were supposed to give their child away. It's very hard to change your mind because you would upset so many people.

I truly hope this couple become parents someday. And if there is a mother out there who comes to the conclusion 100% on her own that this is best for her and her baby, then I would support that all the way. Trouble is, that rarely happens. How do I know this? Because I read the posts day after day of women like me from closed adoptions who are desperate for any type of information or contact. Or the younger mothers who were told the adoption would be open only to have doors slammed in their faces a year or two after everything was legalized.

I have wonderful friends who are adopted and I know most of them would never change that. (Yet, some would.) I have friends who adopted and are fantastic, loving parents.... I am often so conflicted because I can't help but think of their natural parents. I prefer the term natural or biological, not real. I think adoptive children have two sets of real parents. I always say, I gave my daughter life and her adoptive parents gave her a life.

Is this issue complex? You bet it is. Adoption can be beautiful thing, but we need to see all sides, not just the hearts and flowers of the adoptive couple's journey, to truly understand it.

Labels: Birth mother? First mother? Natural Mother? Just mother?

When I decided to start writing in this blog again, I couldn’t decide what to write about. There were so many things to choose from. Do I write more about my experience 30+ years ago? About my search? About the adoption industry or any number of issues related to it? At some point I’ll touch on all of this and more. But yesterday a discussion on a Facebook Group made me really think so I decided to discuss labels.

How do we define what we are in terms of adoption? I am what society commonly refers to as a birth mom or birth mother. It never really occurred to me until recently that many in my shoes feel slighted or offended by this terminology. They say that it is like calling women like me breeders. Another view is that the term was coined the adoption industry (which we’ll discuss many times in the future, I’m sure) and is meant to put down or control the mother of the infant to be adopted. Other terms are natural mother or biological mother. Some do not like the latter because it’s too cold or clinical.

What do I prefer to be called? Honestly, I prefer first mother or first mom because that what I am. I am my older daughter’s first mother. I was her mother first, but am I her mother still? Yes, I am. But am I also her birth mother? Well, I did give birth to her, so yes, I am. In that regard, I am birth mother all of my children, including the three that I raised. I will never belittle another natural mother’s feelings or their reasons for not wanting a certain label. There are very valid claims about an adoption industry that benefited from marginalizing the natural parents. However, in my experience most people who say birth mother or birth mom do not do so out of malice. I have never felt put down when someone called me this. I am not going to yell (ALL CAPS) at someone on Facebook or another blog because he or she uses the term.  However, I think the more we use the terms first or natural mother/father/parents, then more people will understand what we mean. We don’t have to scream to be heard. We simply have to speak.

December 14, 2012

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I still plan to tell my story and hopefully by my elder daughter's next birthday, I will have shared more. Yesterday was a day of tragedy. I can't even begin to share my thoughts and feelings about what happened other than to say that my heart hurts for those children who were killed and to those adults who perished trying to protect the little ones.

Since yesterday I've been thinking a lot about my first daughter. These shootings just hit home and make me think how short this precious gift of life is. Yesterday was also my daughter Allison's 17th birthday. Just the other day she said that she's always wanted a sister. Whenever she says that, my heart breaks just a little because, of course, she has a sister. Somewhere out there in this huge, beautiful world is a young lady with a family who wants to know her.

All three of my kids want to find her. They have such giving hearts and want to find her because she is their sister, but I think they also understand how vital is for me to know her. To know she's okay, to know she's been loved and cared for and that she has a wonderful life.

Searching for those lost through adoption is a scary prospect. Everyone has an opinion. Many think searching is wrong. What I would want to say to her today if she were reading this is that I do not want to change her family dynamics. I do not want to belittle what her parents are to her. I just want her to know that she is loved beyond measure by her first mom and by her siblings. I think there is enough love for everyone. Love does not divide, it multiplies.

So as everyone is talking about hugging their children after this horrific tragedy, I will hug mine and send out a silent thought and hug to my firstborn and hope that she knows how much she is loved.


Much love and peace to all!


Lori

To Other Moms

I wrote the following recently, and I realize that at times I sound very bitter. But that's the thing, sometimes I am bitter. And angry. This isn't the happy me talking. This comes from a darker place in me that isn't around much, but is there, nevertheless. I'm sure most of you reading this will fall into one of these categories or possibly more than one. This isn't about me thinking your type is bad. I'm not trying to be offensive. It is about a birthmother's perspective and really how we feel about ourselves. It's about how we think the world views us, if it looks at us at all. This is how we compare ourselves, and how we try to reconcile the fact that we in fact are mothers whether or not we ever gave birth again after relinquishment.

To normal/biological mothers- You’re the ones who did everything right. You got married and then after an appropriate amount of time you had children. You agree that adoption is a wonderful choice for those who can’t conceive but you don’t ever stop and consider that somewhere out there another woman has to give birth and give away their child. Adoption doesn’t really touch you in a personal way. You didn’t think you knew anyone who’d given away their baby, although I am your neighbor, your friend, or your co-worker.

To other once teen or single mothers- You are the ones who were in the same boat as me. Maybe you were younger or maybe you were older when you found out you were pregnant, but you chose a different path. Maybe you married the father of your child and lived happily ever after. Maybe you didn’t and either have raised your child alone or have co-parented with the father over time. You never dreamed of giving away your child. You think you loved yours more than I loved mine. Maybe you struggled like I never did back then. Perhaps you took assistance from the government, family or friends, but you did what it took to keep your child and you can’t believe that I took the easy way out. Because wow, all I did was give birth and got on with my life, right? So simple.

To adoptive mothers- You are the ones who don’t want to be called ‘adoptive.’ You’re the real moms. I get that. You’re the one who stayed awake through late night feedings, and who drove car pool and saved for the college fund. I never did any of that; not for your child. Forever in your mind, I am less-educated than you, have loose morals and live in a lower socio-economic status. I am the person from which you rescued your child and gave her that proverbial better life. I am the person who couldn’t give the love she needed, or the nice home, or the stability that you did, and I should be thankful.

To the mothers who have lost children to death- You are the ones whose pain I understand, but yet I don’t dare to compare my experience to yours. You didn’t choose to lose your baby/child. My grief is different because I had a choice. You cannot imagine anyone choosing to go through the excruciating pain of losing a child. But again, it’s different. After all, I might see my child again someday and you won’t. I should be grateful.

To those who aborted their babies- You are perhaps as misunderstood as I am. You may even be hated by some, and certainly judged. They say you have no heart, but my guess is that your heart breaks just as much as mine does. Even if it was the right decision for that time in your life, it didn’t come without thought, or mourning. People think we just go on from things like this, but what we really do is hide our pain and adjust to a life which will never be the same. I didn’t make the same choice as you. I don’t know that I could have, but I’ll defend your right to make it because I’ve been there. And I understand. It’s not easy. None of this is easy.

First Post

This is very hard for me to do. It's a coming out of sorts. It's stepping out of my comfort zone and exposing myself, but all day long my heart has been telling me to start this blog and tell my story. I contemplated doing this anonymously, but decided that in the end I have nothing to be ashamed of. It is what it is, and I am who I am. 

On February 9, 1985, just five days past my own 19^th birthday, I gave birth to a baby girl. I started this blog as a way to tell my story and as a way to release some of the pain that has been inside of me for years. That day was both a beginning and an end. I have lived a full life since that day and went on to have a wonderful family, but I truly think that most of my decisions and the way I've led my life have been greatly affected by my decision to surrender a child to adoption. Doing what I did carries a stigma, you see. Most people have no reference point from which to deal with this issue.

The fact that I gave up my child is not a secret. I still live in the same small town as I did then and believe me, the gossip mill at one time was alive and well with regards to my situation. And yet, even though it's not a secret, many people do not know. How should it be handled when meeting a new friend? "Oh, by the way….." It doesn't really work that way. I'm a bit of a freak. People have no idea what to say when hearing something like this. It's just not normal to give away your child. No, it really isn't. This is why I don’t talk about it. When people ask me how many children I have, I always answer three, but in the back of my mind (and in my heart), I want to say four. But telling people tends to put them on the spot. They don't know what to say, or they are overly complimentary about it, and it can be an uncomfortable situation.

But I'm tired of being silent. I'm tired of this being kept in a secret compartment in my heart and in my mind. I really don't want this to take over my life or conversations, but I want it to be a matter-of-fact thing that is not this huge, shocking bombshell. I truly hope this blog will not only help me heal but will open readers eyes and hearts to those going through the same silent pain. It's not as easy as knowing "you did the right thing" although we're told that a lot. Knowing that really doesn't help that much because in the back of our minds, we always question if it really was the right thing. More on this in another post, I promise.

So I hope you'll follow me. You'll get my story plus my views on a variety of issues surrounding adoption. I am going to try and be honest and raw on this blog…. You may not always like what I say. It may make you uncomfortable, but I can't hold back because I need to release these feelings and thoughts that have been in my head for so long. Don't be afraid to comment or to ask questions. I promise to answer as honestly as I can, and I may or may not have a reply to your comment but when I do I will always treat you with respect. I am hoping for the same courtesy.